karenp's blog

This is a question I seem to be pondering a lot lately.  I'm in this struggle of standing up for what I feel is right and balanced vs what may seem like I'm just wanting what I want.  This may seem, to most adults, like a "no brainer".  The distinction may be very easy for most adults to see and make the appropriate adjustments.  However, I am finding a battle ensueing.

Human behavior really amazes me sometimes, specifically my human behavior. At times I find myself responding with old emotional responses which then became old thought patterns which then became old response actions. Let me see if I can try to explain this in plain English. I find that I sometimes allow someone else's actions (sometimes actions not even specifically directed towards me) to bring shame on myself. Because I felt shame I become angry (old emotional response) instead of recognizing it and choosing to react differently. Not that anger is bad. It is just that in this case it is very unnecessary had I initially recognized the shame feeling. The more I think about this persons actions the more angry I become and the more I doubt (old thought patterns) that I am a smart, mature woman who loves God with all her heart and wants to do nothing more then please Him with her life.

A few weeks ago some of my family came for a visit.  My husband, children, and I live several hours away from my side of the family now.  My sister, her two daughters and (ready for this?) my Mom and Dad.  Yep, you read that correctly.  My mother and father came and stayed for 7 days.
 
Let me back up just a tad.  I believe I've written in a post or two before this one that over the last year and a half or so I have been having some amazing conversations with my parents.  My father has stopped responding to me as him being the victim.  He has said to me things like he realizes he needs to try to understand where I am at.  He has completely respected my boundaries.  So, that is some of the reason why I felt ok with having my parents come and stay with us.  There are more but it would take too long to go into.
 
We had a wonderful visit with them.  We all did some sight seeing and I found out that my father is the Wii Golf champion.  Who'da thunk?  But more importantly then all of that my parents took time to sit down with me and have some real heart to heart conversations.  I was so impressed with their vulnerability and humility.  There were a couple of times we stayed up until 2am talking, I'm not kidding.  The most absolute precious time for me was the night just my mom and I stayed up late (or early) and talked.  She gave me such a gift that night.  I will tell you what it is but first just let me say that in my healing journey from abuse I have learned three very important steps that were of utmost importance for me to take in order to move past the pain.  I had to take an honest look at what had happened and call it what it was (go back), then I needed to mourn the losses - the innocence of and things that were not provided for me in my childhood, then I needed to allow Jesus to heal the wounds.  So, this is the process I have been in for about 6 and a half years now.  One of the greatest things I mourned was the fact that I didn't have a mother who protected me and nutured me.
 
Now, back to the night my mom and I stayed up talking.  The gift she gave me that night was that she apologized for not being the mother I needed.  She admitted she didn't protect me and nurture me.  She told me she realizes that I am an adult now but she wants to be the mom I need as an adult.  This was huge!  We cried together and held each other and at that moment she told me she wished she could scoop me up in her lap and just hold me.  I cried even more.  It was amazing.  I truly didn't expect this.  I've always had hope for it but after so many attempts to articulate these things to her over the last 6 years and not feeling like she was getting it, I decided I needed to keep moving forward and hope that one day she will get it.  I feel that day has come.
 
While I am so very excited for these things I am also very much aware that there is still work to be done.  I am very thankful but I am still very cautious.  My goal is to not be in a dysfunctional relationship with my family any more and that requires a lot of hard work.  However, I'm starting to see the fruit of our labor. 

I'm writing to let you know how the rest of my day went yesterday.  It was hard for the most part.  However, God definitely broke through.  I had a very dear friend call me after she read my blog post yesterday.  She offered such love and wisdom and spoke more truth into my life.  I thank God for her. :)  I do feel I did really well at keeping the message "I am loved just because I am" at the front of all my thoughts.  It made me emotional many times but also continued to relieve the heavy weight of responsibility on my heart.

 

What I learned at the end of the day is that I do not know how to relax in the moment and not feel responsible.  I found that there were not very many moments that went by when I was not thinking about the next responsibility.  How "unfun" is that!  No wonder I'm tired.  I found I take on the responsibility for most things for most of the people in my life.  Phew, I'm tired just writing that.

 

Today, I am feeling much better, much lighter.  I know this is a process and I am going to continue the same practice today and keep that message, "I am loved just because I am" at the front of my thoughts.  It takes away the tension and expectations I put on myself.  It helps me to focus on truly feeling God's love and the love of others for me, not just knowing that love.  I find that when I allow myself to feel that love, I can love others well.

 

I do feel there is so much more to write but I need to close for now.  I'm looking forward to a day of rest today!

I have had a lot on my mind today.  I woke up feeling tired and not wanting to get up and make my husbands lunch before he went off to work.  I found myself wanting to spend time in prayer and reading the Bible but not feeling like I had the physical strength to do it.  I recieved an email from a friend wanting some advice.  I've been over and over the responsibilities I feel I should fulfill today but just don't feel like doing them.  After a few hours of all of this thinking and processing, I felt even more exhausted physically and emotionally.

Then, I stopped and hypothetically asked the question to my husband, "If I don't make your lunch today, do the grocery shopping, or homeschool the kids, will you still love me?".  I asked my friend, hypothetically, "If I don't respond correctly or at all to your email today, will you still love me?".  I asked Jesus, "If I don't spend time in prayer and in your Word today, will you still love me?".

What I have deducted from all this is that I live in fear of not being loved.  It's exhausting and I am not happy.  I can't relax when I'm in this mode which makes me react and respond with frustration to those around me about the smallest, most silly things.  I don't function out of this message all of the time but when I do, it's very costly.  It's costly to me and to those around me because I react to them out of fear and anger rather than clarity and love.  I begin questioning everything I do and say and feel incredibly insecure.

So, now, right now at this very moment, I am at a crossroads.  I need to decide how I am going to handle the rest of my day.  I know with all logic that the answer to those questions is a resounding "Yes".  The incredibly hard task ahead of me today is to get that answer from my head to my heart.  I'm going to take the rest of today (since it's only 9am) to think on this and try to make a concerted effort to remember I am loved just because I am, not because of what I do.  I'll let you know tomorrow how the rest of my day goes. :)

Wow, has it been a while or what since I have posted?  This may be my longest stretch yet.  Hope there are still some of you out there that care to read. :) I've been feeling to write for several weeks but never had any one specific thing come to mind.  Things have been pretty good.  I've been busy with my family and friends.  I'm also getting ready to co-facilitate a small group for REAL Grace for Women.  We start this Wed., Jan 27th.  I'm really looking forward to that.  I'll probably have lots more to write after we get started.  This group usually stirs things within my story and I know that's a good thing. One thing I have pretty heavy on my mind write now is the prospect of writing a book.  Yes, I know, it seems like everyone is writing a book these days.  That's one of the reasons I feel like I am "dragging my feet" on getting started.  I don't want it to be just another book.  I'm praying for direction and having a lot of conversations with my husband about it.  Did I mention it was his idea?  He's so supportive.  Four years ago he suggested I try to start a small group for women.  That's how REAL Grace was born.  So, I am giving some close attention to this book idea.  We'll see what happens. Well, I hope you are all well!  Til next time...

I just have to follow up on my post from yesterday.  I found the courage to talk to my husband last night.  I realize I head into these conversations with him, thinking that it's not really about me.  Sure, I might have a few things I need to take responsibility for and need to change but for the most part it's him who has to change.  Oh, how silly of me.  I'm seeing how I still tend to minimize the emotional wounds of abuse.  Last night, the conversation revealed how I have still been responding from one of those wounds - performance based love. When I first began dealing with the wounds of abuse I was able to see pretty quickly how I find my self worth and value in what I did, not in who I am.  That's why I've needed so much validation.  When I don't receive validation, in my world, that's interpreted as I'm not doing a good job therefore I am not very smart because if I were smart I could figure out how to do a good job and people would have to take notice and then they would naturally tell me that they notice. This way of thinking is exhausting and it certainly doesn't lead to true joy and happiness. I've been thinking on a verse in the Bible; Isaiah 49:15 & 16; "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands...".  There are two things about this verse I want to highlight.  First, the answer to the question is "yes"; a mother can forget the baby.  We don't see the word "yes" but it is certainly inferred by the next phrase "though she may forget".  God knows people are going to fail us.  That's why it is so important for me not to look to other people to validate my self worth and value.  The second thing is the word "engrave" in the original Hebrew means "to cut in or on".  When I stop and think that God has cut me into his hands it's a little difficult to wrap my brain around.  He thinks I'm worth cutting into His hands...WOW!  This is not the first time I've read this or heard this concept but I'm certainly hearing it differently today. He needs to be the focus of my value and self worth.  It is simply because He made me and everything/everyone He makes is valuable! I just have to share one more thing.  The major break through came when my husband and I were sitting on the couch.  He was sitting on one end and I was sitting on the other.  He read what I had written about how I was feeling and kept reminding me of how none of that is truth.  He feels exactly the opposite of what I had written; he has not lost interest in me and he does not feel like I am too much.  I was having a hard time believing him.  See, if his actions in any way did not say to me that he is interested then I couldn't believe what he was saying.  I was basing truth solely on his performance.  The problem with that is that I can misinterpret his actions.  Sure, he usually comes home and gives me a hug and a kiss but if there is a day when he doesn't do that, I immediately think it's because of something I did.  It doesn't usually enter my mind that it could very well be because he has had a stressful day and just needs some time to unwind.  Anyway, getting back to the conversation on the couch; I was feeling so unworthy of his understanding and love that I actually moved further away from him.  There wasn't much space to begin with between me and the arm of the couch but I managed to find it and occupy it.  He noticed.  He said to me,  "You don't believe me do you?"  "You don't believe that I feel the opposite of what you've written?"  "I can tell because you just moved further away from me".  I couldn't believe he noticed.  I barely noticed but when he said it, it hit me with so much force and I began to weep.  He said to me, "You need to fight through this.  You need to fight for yourself.  I'm right here, come and get what you need."  I wept even more.  He was absolutely correct.  I had a really hard time moving toward him but it was exactly what I needed to do.  I needed to push through the lies I was believing.  I was finally able to move next to him and rest my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.  I actually felt a little silly at first, even a little uncomfortable.  I was thinking it's silly for me to need this but the longer I stayed there the better it felt.  I felt myself relax and receive the love my husband was offering me not because of anything I was doing but just because. The root of the wound caused by being loved as a child based on my performance has been exposed even more.  It's been difficult but I'm so glad that God continues to expose these wounds and He certainly is faithful to bring healing and restoration!

It's been a while since I've written and I have to say it's because I've not been liking how I've been feeling emotionally so I'm afraid what might come out if I write.  Silly, I know.  I act as if my emotions control me.  Sometimes, it definitely feels that way.  Feeling as much as I do is still new to me and can overwhelm me, almost bury me.  I've been reading different scriptures which certainly helps but I have to say, to some degree, I've been hiding.  I haven't really shared with anyone how I'm feeling.  That's not good for me.  That leads me down a dark path...a path of self condemnation and depression. I've decided I'm going to attempt to talk with my husband tonight.  I'm very nervous.  I've written out some things to try and label how I'm feeling and I don't think he's going to like what I've written.  So much of it, to me anyway, seems so selfish.  I keep asking myself why it seems I can't focus on the positive.  I'm not sure that is really the issue but I'm open to explore it.  It's so hard for me to understand guys and how they operate in relationships.  It seems to me they operate so very different from us women yet somehow it's suppose to work?  I don't know that I really understand it. I just know that I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I don't feel happy or joyful and I feel like I'm wasting time.  Well, there's definitely one thing this post has helped me with...motivation to take action.  Do whatever I need to do to bring back the joy.  I know, with God's help, I can do it!

Well, here we are at the end of September already.  What a busy month this has been!  Started homeschooling again as well as a new REAL Grace group here in Maryland.  I'm very excited to be facilitating grace groups again.  It's been a little over a year because of relocating.  I missed it so much!  I can't tell you any details about the group but I can tell you it's a group of wonderful ladies who are ready to do the hard work!  I feel very honored to be a part of this group.

This month started off with a last minute trip to visit my family in NH.  I decided to take the long holiday weekend and drive up.  I had just been through some very emotional situations leading up to that weekend with training for REAL Grace groups and the passing of my mother in law.  Surprisingly, I felt that I really needed to spend time with my family.  To be more specific, I felt like I really needed my family.  This feeling was entirely new to me.  The dysfunction I experienced in my family growing up taught me to be very self sufficient. I began taking care of myself from a very young age; not so much physically but definitely emotionally.  Taking things into my own hands at a very young age certainly came with it's down side because realistically, how much capability does a 7 year old have?  I have never felt like I truly "needed" anyone in my family.  I've wanted healthy relationships with each of my family members but even in that saw only what I could offer them.  The driving force for this visit was that I needed my family.  I needed to hang out with them, to laugh with them, and to cry with them.  I had no idea if this was actually possible.  This has never been the normal function of my family.  I had never looked to them for emotional support.  Somewhere, somehow, I felt it was time to do that.  I was scared to death.  I was afraid of being let down...again.  It's what I feel I have experienced all my life with my family; deep disappointment and that I am a deep disappointment.  Something was definitely "pushing" me to move forward though and take this trip. So, the kids and I ventured off together.  My husband was on a business trip and couldn't join us.  We arrived in NH and I experienced many things over the next few days but there is one thing in particular that I absolutely have to share.  I knew and was even looking forward to seeing my parents on this trip.  I believe I have written in previous posts that I have been having some good conversations with them about the abuse and the damage that occurred growing up and was receiving some healthy responses from them.  While I knew I really wanted to see them I was not sure that I would want to give my father a hug.  That was still a major issue for me.  In the days leading up to the trip I went back and forth as to whether or not I would be able to.  I left it up in the air.  I've been learning to give myself a break and to stop holding myself to such high and unrealistic expectations. The day came and the plan was to meet my sister and then go over to my parents house to pick up her daughters.  We arrived and my kids and her kids immediately were off playing and chatting together.  My mom came over and gave my sister and I a hug.  Dad hugged my sister and then stepped back and casually joined the conversation with my mother and I.  He never motioned for me to give me a hug.  He did nothing.  It was wonderful!  He finally respected my boundaries and gave me the choice.  I did notice it right away and processed whether or not I wanted to give him a hug.  At that moment, I did not feel the need to so I didn't.  It was wonderful to be able to make the choice for myself. The conversation continued with just the four of us. After a few moments my father looked at me and asked, "Are you alright?"  That's all he had to say, I completely broke down and started crying.  I still tend to "stuff" my emotions and I had been feeling so sad about my mother in law but I didn't want to be the one to drag everyone down.  When he asked that question, it opened the flood gates.  I started sharing how I was feeling with them.  At one point my mom asked me, "What can we do to help you?"  Again, I was blown away.  I couldn't believe how she and dad had reached out to me.  I said, "I just need hugs and laughter."  She walked towards me and said, "I think we can do that."  Then she gave me a big hug.  My father was standing to the right of me.  He put out his hand and I could tell he wasn't sure what to do.  He wanted to touch me, to reach out and console me, but he wasn't sure if he should.  Well, I grabbed his hand because, again, I saw how he was really trying to respect my boundaries and yet let me know that he cares.  When I was done hugging mom I turned to dad and we hugged and cried for the next several moments.  I couldn't believe it.  All that anxiety I usually feel when I hug him or any other man was gone.  It was so amazingly healing for me.  I still get very emotional when I talk about it.  This was huge!  I can now hug my brother, my brothers in law and most other men without feeling the anxiety.  I feel so free!  I have to say that I don't feel to hug every man I meet but it's not because I feel that anxiety.  I just don't feel like I have to hug them and that feels great!  I spent time with my parents again a couple of days later hanging out at my brothers house.  It was the most relaxed I have ever been around them.  I completely felt free to be me! I've had some time to reflect and I know that it could only have been God prompting me to take that trip.  There is no way I would have had the courage to take the risk and make myself vulnerable to my family like that.  I'm too connected to the pain of the past now.  The fear of feeling that pain again would have normally paralyzed me and I would have chosen to not give my family the opportunity to reach out to me.  In the past, giving my family that opportunity would have seemed futile and ridiculous.   Today, I am so thankful I took the risk.  I had many conversations with God the days leading up to the trip and even while I was there.  I knew I had to let Him have control.  That was not easy for me.  I'm still learning to trust God as well as people.  This trip was a huge step forward in learning to trust.  There's still more healing to come within my own heart and within my relationship with my parents but I do feel some much needed progress has been made.

Now this is the million dollar question.  So many of us battle with this question especially after we have realized just how evil abuse is.  My answer to this question is,"Because He wants a deep and intimate relationship with me".  Ok, I hope I didn't just lose anyone here.   Hang with me for a minute and I'll try to explain. Over the last 5 years I have been doing some intense soul searching as well as God searching.  I never stopped believing in God but I was having a hard time trusting Him and understanding who He really is.  I began to pray specifically about this and let me tell you not once did I feel God's "wrath" or anger come down on me like I half expected it would.  I discovered He is not surprised by my emotions and my humanness.  He loves me and wants to bring me understanding.  I found that it is ok for me to ask questions, even questions like, "Who are you God?"  I also began talking with others and reading, along with the Bible, some really good books.  One of those books was "The Shack".  I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding this book but I have to tell you, I grew up understanding God to be nothing more then a judge ready to pour out His anger on me whenever I messed up.  The Shack helped me to really identify with the grace of God. So, today, after I think back over everything I have learned about who God is, His character, I feel that it would go against His character to stop abuse or any other kind of evil in this world today.  Why?  Because of the very reason He created us in the first place.   God wanted to love someone and someone to love Him simply because of relationship not because of rules and laws.  So, He created us with a free will.  If He begins to interfere with free will, it will change our relationship with Him.  How, you might ask?  Well, I relate it to my relationship with my children.  I believe my relationship with my children is one relationship that is a mirror of my relationship with God.  I could easily demand my kids to love me and do things for me and in return keep all evil from them.  Of course, I'm not God so the only way I could keep evil from them is to keep them in the house all the time with no TV, no computer, don't let them walk around especially up and down stairs because they might fall and experience pain, etc., etc.  All of that does not sound like freedom to me; freedom for me or for my children.  That's the absolute beauty of my relationship with God...FREEDOM! So, again, I need to answer this question putting the proper perspective on abuse.  Abuse is evil and God has nothing to do with it.  He has everything to do with my healing from it!