Oops, I Did It Again!
Submitted by karenp on Fri, 06/04/2010 - 7:33am
Human behavior really amazes me sometimes, specifically my human behavior. At times I find myself responding with old emotional responses which then became old thought patterns which then became old response actions. Let me see if I can try to explain this in plain English. I find that I sometimes allow someone else's actions (sometimes actions not even specifically directed towards me) to bring shame on myself. Because I felt shame I become angry (old emotional response) instead of recognizing it and choosing to react differently. Not that anger is bad. It is just that in this case it is very unnecessary had I initially recognized the shame feeling. The more I think about this persons actions the more angry I become and the more I doubt (old thought patterns) that I am a smart, mature woman who loves God with all her heart and wants to do nothing more then please Him with her life.
Now this is where it gets really tough - the old "response actions" or how I treat others when I am caught in this old trap of behavior. Let me just say I do not treat them well. Most of the time, that treatment is not even towards the person who committed the action that is causing my shame. My anger is taken out on those closest to me at the time and most of the time that is my husband and my kids. Not good!
Thankfully, I am recognizing this pattern sooner then I would have in the past. In fact, there was a time when I would not have recognized this pattern at all. So, now, when I recognize it I immediately apologize to my family for how I have mistreated them and then I also have a good long talk with God; apologizing, asking forgiveness, and talking about a strategy to help me respond better the next time. A strategy you might ask? Oh, most definitely! If there is one thing I have learned in studying God's word is that He wants me to live this life victoriously. He does not expect me to live it through shame and thus have a negative impact on those around me. So, I need to know my enemy, understand my weaknesses and live in total trust and complete surrender to Him. That is tough to do sometimes when you are talking about a control freak such as myself. I am not saying that to beat myself up. It is the truth. The lack of trust is one of my biggest weaknesses. However it is not as big as it use to be. I am so grateful God is patient with me and that He gives a huge portion of patience to those around me.
I will end with this verse: Philippians 1:6, "Being confident of this very thing, that he who began a good work in you will be confident to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus." I am confident that this is a good work, as hard as it is sometimes but it is all good!
Thanks Karen :) This just confirms some things I need to do personally...basically learning the truth of His word and apply it to myself :) Thanks for doing these entries...its encouraging!!!!
Reply to Comment #1
Some great questions. You are partially correct when you talk about the anger stemming from childhood. I lived in a very dysfunctional, abusive home where things were very unstable. If there is one thing a child needs it is a stable, nurturing environment. So, yes, that is partially the problem. Now that I have recognized this as an adult, I need to take responsibility to change my responses. However, I don't feel I lash out at those around me because I'm not "getting my way". I feel it is more because I am believing things about myself that are not true, as I mentioned in my post. When I feel like someone is trying to control me (perceived or real) I do tend to play those old emotional tapes. I begin to doubt who God says I am and what He says about His desire to be in relationship with me...that I have value and am worth being in relationship with. So, yes, it is about trusting what God says to be true and not what I learned growing up.
As far as how do I learn to trust God; there is no magic word or formula. However there are a few basic steps I take as I realize this is a process of 1) Replacing the lies from childhood. Children are very impressionable. Parents and other adults around them have a huge responsibility with the children God places in their care. 2) Being completely honest and transparent with people I feel safe with. This helps me to be accountable and chips away at my pride which can be a huge deterrant in this process. 3) Overall, it's a choice I have to make moment by moment. I don't always initially chose to trust Him and that's when I get into trouble. However, I do find His grace is far beyond my understanding and is available in quantities so vast that if the earth were one huge empty vessel, it couldn't contain it.
I hope this encourages you and thanks for writing. :)
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Comment #1
So where does the anger come from? Is it from being a child who had no control over the situation so you feel like you have to control things now and when things don't go your way you lash out? Is it the lack of TRUST? in God and if so how do you build that trust in Him to feel secure enouph to let go?? Thanks :)